One can be sane and in love. No, seriously. Being in love doesn’t mean you have to stop being normal or having rational thoughts. It simply means that you have a companion in life.  In a relationship – when you are realistic about what you can give and your expectations from the other person and set boundaries and aren’t willing to compromise what you want – love fits hand in hand in the equation. As a matter of fact, love is the + that makes you and the other person = together. It should be, anyway.

Many people go into relationships for the wrong reasons: attention, rebound, low self-esteem and sometimes codependency issues (to name just a few.) Are you in your relationship for the right reasons? When you are in a relationship for the right reasons, this should mean you have taken the time to assess that you are ready within yourself to open your heart to someone else as well as be true to your conviction about who you are, what you want and what you are willing to give of yourself to another person. You have to be ready to live with the decisions you make about who you allow in your personal space (literally and figuratively) and if you aren’t, being single may be a better option for you until the time is right. If you are willing to wait until you are ready, then you may be alone for a little while (as existing this way may mean that you weed out some people you don’t want to deal with) but when that right person comes along, the time you spent waiting on “the one” will fade from your memory faster than you think. Love does that, too. (Kinda like that brain-eraser thing in Men in Black.)

Some people make good decisions, others bad ones, but there is always time to fix you as long as YOU fix you and not look for or wait for someone else to do it. If you are whole within yourself going into seeking a good mate, you’ll find another whole person. We weren’t meant to be all Jerry Maguire “You complete me” about life.  That stuff works well in movies but not so well in reality. You don’t need someone to complete you, you’re a whole person on your own. In a relationship, the best mate one needs is someone who compliments them. And that’s what most people miss altogether. They look for puzzle pieces instead of looking for a completed puzzle.

So, if you are in a relationship that’s working for you and is healthy and functional, congratulations to you. If you are in an unhealthy one that’s dysfunctional and driving you crazy more than making you happy, I’m not telling you to break up with that person, I’m simply saying think hard about why you are in the relationship, then do something about it to make changes. One can be unhappy by themselves, it makes no sense to be unhappy in a relationship intentionally. That’s actually an oxymoron if you think about it.

And finally to the single person (such as myself,) just work on being the best you that you can be. Are you missing some puzzle pieces in your life? Find them. Is your self esteem level low? Work on raising it up. Do you have baggage you haven’t sorted out yet? Get to sorting. As you become your complete self, your “I am awesome and available” beacon will begin to shine brighter and your “person with major issues” light will start to dim. Prepare yourself for that good mate. They are on their way, I promise you that. Just continue to prepare yourself so that when they do show up, you’ll be ready and they won’t pass you by.

No.

I’m talking about your deep, inner beauty. Your beauty like -

waking up at 5am to feed a  fussy baby, cooing and holding him close with warmth and love in your voice or

baking cupcakes for 25 kids at midnight because your 3rd grader volunteered you to do so at the last minute or

staying up all night with a child with the flu, rocking her to sleep and not falling asleep til 10 mins before the alarm goes off or

putting a smile on your face for the hundredth time when he embarrasses you in front of your friends with his corny jokes or

wincing as you wash your face the morning after he slapped you because he didn’t want to hear what you had to say or

when you cry when you realize he didn’t come home because he slept at her house again last night or

as you pack your bags because you finally got tired of his lies or

when you listened to him tell you how much he cares for you and “please don’t leave me baby” or

when you take him back even when you heard God clearly say “Go NOW!” in your ear or

when you felt like if you just hung in there, again, he’d change his ways or

when you found that text that said “did you tell her that I’m pregnant yet?” or

when you heard that voicemail on his phone as the doctor said “I need to talk to you about your AZT treatment, call me, it’s been a few months since I’ve heard from you” or

when your heart fell when you realized that the man you loved so deeply with all your heart gave you HIV….which later on became full blown AIDS or

like the confusion in your babies eyes when they can’t understand why Mommy and Daddy just left one day and never came back

Yes, even then.

You were still beautiful.

Even the day you passed away you were beautiful. It’s just a shame you never knew it.

“BEAUTIFUL”

….like chocolate silk draped across my skin…you can’t begin to imagine
how it feels to be touched by you… in all your splendor you awaken the
dragon of ecstasy that abides inside me…you come in so many lucious
colors, cafe au lait, caramel, milk chocolate, dark and bittersweet
midnight…all of which caress the nakedness of my fascination of you….
many have tried to understand the depths of the magnetism that has drawn
women of all flavors and destinations to you… can it be the way you
smile…..the way you laugh…the way you lick your lips to get my attention
…..they way you walk…..the way you let your presence known when you enter
my domain…..you know what you do to me….you know no one could ever take
your place…which is why I am uphold you…make you remember that you are
a shining star….a diamond in the rough…I will protect you inside of my
shadow….and you can draw from my essence to regain your strength as I will
always remain true to my beautiful black men….

“CONFUSION”

Confusion tears at my brain like a dying man’s final cling to life

I’ve never understood the complexities that exist within my mind

And chances are I never will

It’s a shame to admit that your well has run dry and all inspiration is gone

As if someone has flipped a light switch way in the back of your head

Killing the interaction that builds simple words into a complex thought

I sit here reflecting on all the things that make me unique and find that in many ways

I’m not much different than you

We are all connected by a common thread, the link which makes us remember the road more often traveled

By another who paved the way for us to journey stress free

But we always want to blaze our own trail regardless of the breadcrumbs left to guide us back home

Hard headed, my grandmother would call it, as I continually ran into the brick wall that blocked the path

To my destination

As I wait to be guided back a million situations are presented in such a fashion to seem so sweet

Silver tongues and chocolate lips send me messages that my heart wants to hear but my mind turns away

Everyday, all day I think about the things that make this heart tick

And I feel that slowly but surely all those things mean as much as the next

If you understand what I mean, can you explain it to me?
“I MISS YOU”

Can’t figure out why I didn’t see it before

Never looked past my front door, didn’t hear the score

You never miss something until it’s gone

 But I miss you while you’re here

I miss the times we’ve spent

The laughs we shared

The love we made

Can’t get that out of my mind

Because I miss you while you’re here

You don’t have much time for me anymore

Have to schedule me in

Too many times to count

How did you expect me to feel about this

Was falling for you in a million different ways

Showered me with affection then followed that with rejection

It’s a shame that I miss you while you’re here

You can’t even look me in the eye

I used to cry then thought why

It’s not like you care anyway

I miss you while you’re here

Still can’t see what you saw in me

Someone to pass the time

To lose yourself in

Pleasure yourself in

Then

Move on?

Damn, why can’t I stop missing you

While you’re here

 ”HAD ME FOOLED”

I wonder how I didn`t see it before
funny thing is I had a thought
but paid it no mind
spent all this time
making the illusion real
much props to you
you had me fooled

Had a lot of fun
talked until the horizon was filled with sun
told me some things you wouldn`t tell a soul
I told you a few
truth be told

Wish I had seen it coming
everyday all day
slowly reduced to nothing
see the funny thing is I don`t believe you
couldn`t let the words fall from your lips direct to my ear
needed a screen to protect you

did you think I would cry
scream or yell?
I did cry, I won`t lie
cause the hurt was there
I must give you props though
handled the situation far better than I would
looked in my eyes, said what I wanted to hear
all the while you were passing the time
waiting for someone better to come along
well much props to you
had me fooled

Never could tell me how you felt
said you would one day
that day came and left
behind the screen you filled in all the blanks
funny thing was
didn`t even sound like you
a marionette`s song, someone else at your strings
someone else with your voice.

Did you get scared?
Did things feel too good?
had you thinking things you never thought you would
well I must admit
much props to you
had me fooled

Life goes on, it always does
I must admit the guard was down
at one time you said the same
but I see it all clearly now
Once again, the master of deception
the trophy you win, cause I didn`t get the connection
always and forever my props you have earned
cause you had me fooled.

“IF IT WAS MEANT TO BE”

If it was really meant to be, you would of kept it real from the start/Instead of playing childish games, you would of expressed what`s in your heart/If you wanted time alone, all you had to do was say it/

But instead you played games, and we both know how to play it/If someone called there for me, then it had to be my peeps/Cause I`d neva disrespect you, what about the time I got the beeps/

On your pager and you tell me,that they paged lookin for Kim/Like I was suppose to believe that tale, now your trust has gotten dim/And everything after that you said, I just really doubted/

And when I tried to bring it up, you didn`t wanna talk about it/So that`s the reason I chose to kick it, and watch the Tyson fight/Either that, or sit at home while we fuss or fight all night/If you cared for me so much, you have a funny way of showin it/If you got plans of reconciling…I want u to know you`re blowin it.

Ok see, boo, reconciliation was in the plan/but you need to grow up some more and start acting like a man/When I told you how I felt you just brushed me off/Told me I was trippin and my thoughts were my friends fault/Yeah I do talk to thembut my decisions are all mine/I wanted to see where we’d be, to wait until due time/

You said you felt the pressure of my feelings was so real/I told you that the pressure was off, you needed time to heal/An ex you had, played games with you, manipulated your mind/A love like that you wanted but thought you’d never find/In me you saw all the things that made you love her so/Then as quick as she came she was gone, you thought you made her go/I never played a game with you, never once did lie/I liked the fact you seemed to care whether I laughed, or cried/

But you listened to your boys and let them in your head/The truth I thought was that you rather be with them instead/There were plenty of times you left the house, I didn’t want you to go/So I sat at home waiting you, watching seconds on the clock flow/It’s a shame I let you in, let you in my heart/I didn’t choose for us to be this way/To be in each others end and start/Hopefully we’ll understand where each intent does lie/

But at this time I can’t let your insults to me just fly/I know I have been the best friend you’ve ever had/The time we spent with each other made us feel so glad/So I know in my heart that one day the way we feel will blend/Until that day I now that I at least will be your friend.

“THE GRADUATE”  (It helps if you play the “Pomp and Circumstance” song they play at graduations in your head when you read it.)

What you taught me, was -
how to love myself. Not in your representation of
but in your lack
thereof.

What you taught me – was -
how to respect me, be me, be free, that it’s all about me and I give a gotdamn what YOU think about it
Once again
not in your representation, no
but in the slap in my face
kick in my ass
punch in my mouth and
stab in my back
of your lack
of respect for me

What you taught me, was -
I am more whole WITHOUT you, than I ever was WITH you and
I need not define the essence of myself in you by having some sadistic pride in
finishing your sentences and knowing that you don’t like onions in your food or
what your favorite movie, color, soap, snack, or…that you like  to … hit it from the back…
Just because you know a lot about somebody doesn’t mean you really KNOW
that somebody

What you taught me, was -
I am my OWN inspiration, not YOUR creation
Sure, you gave a sista some game, I’ll give you that but
like a Pimp, you never taught me how to use it
See the truth is I am the P.I.M.P. now
Primarily Invested in My Priorities and n*gga, YOU
…..aint one of them

So, what you taught me – IS -
I’ve learned everything I need to know
and now I’m a graduate from the school of

“I ain’t f*cking with you no more”

At some point we want to settle down, maybe have a family, and move on to another stage in our lives. Sometimes we make the mistake of emotionally connecting to one of these cats that we were the side chick to and expect him to change the game midstream and stop looking at us as a side but now as an entrée. This is a huge issue because most men, and some women as well, can’t see past who you were to them when you first started out. It’s all about foundation. It’s very rare that you start out as a person’s booty call and later on down the line marry them. I’m not saying it can’t happen, I’m just saying that I haven’t heard of anyone who’s done it successfully yet. At some point in your life, you have to grow up and move on. You have to take responsibility for whatever pain that others have caused you, dust off your self-esteem and keep it moving. Not all of my life is an open book but there are some things that you have to share in order for others to learn from what you’ve been through. Hopefully this post will help someone learn from what I have learned.

For many years, up until not too long ago,  I was the chick on the side. Yep. The chick that no one would ever know about but your man would run to when you were getting on his nerves. A couple of them were married, most were just in some sort of “it’s complicated” relationship or another, but I knew my role was clear as Girlfriend Number 2. Now, you can feel free to judge me if you like. Knock yourself out. I’m not that person anymore, nor am I ashamed of who I was. I learned an incredible amount of information that I can now share with others. I realize that sometimes God allows us to go through situations so that He can use our lives as a testimony to others. If anything, looking back, that period in my life taught me what I shouldn’t do with my future husband.

You see, in my role as the side piece, one thing I was privy to was pure, unadulterated truth: men could care less about sparing my feelings or saying whatever they felt they needed to say to keep the sex going. As women, we all say we want the truth, but we actually want our truth delivered tactfully, all pretty and with a big ole red bow on it. Well, that’s not the truth that the side chick gets. Side chicks get “after sex glow” truth, which is usually truth told right before he falls asleep. No tact, just straight up real talk. This is similar to talking to people who are drunk and just as brutally honest.

Now, not all of them were physical situations – which seems shocking when you talk about cheating – but in reality, most times they just wanted someone they could talk to about the stuff that was on their minds but they didn’t feel that they could talk to you about it because –

1. You emasculated him in the past. Say he got a little misty when a close family member passed away and felt like he wanted to open up and talk to you about it. You may have laughed or told him to “man up,” “suck it up,” or “get over it.” So he gave up talking to you because he was hurt and sought a little positive conversation elsewhere.

2. You don’t know how to listen. Effective conversation is an art form. It’s like a tennis match. You serve the ball to me and I serve it back to you. If you keep the ball more on your side of the court, at some point on my side, I’m going to get bored and stop playing with you. There is a time to fight and a time to just talk things out. There is also at time to just sit, be still and listen. If every conversation you had with him always ended up with you just talking about you, your issues, your drama and not caring anything about his, chances are he might seek out more fulfilling communication elsewhere.

Realize this, not all cheating situations start out as physical. Sometimes, most times actually, he’s just looking for a break from you. A drink can lead to a conversation which can lead to another drink which could then lead to one thing leading to another. It happens all the time.

Never underestimate who you think your man may or may not be attracted to. I am a woman with all kinds of marketable skills. I can sing, cook, and do a whole host of other amazing things, just like many other women in the world, but the one thing I have in spades is: I know how to treat a man. I know exactly what it is I need to say in order to spark an interest in him.  Now to add to the list, the least of these things would be that I am a big, beautiful woman. Yep, a big girl. In and of itself that isn’t a big deal, but what is interesting about this is that many women will write off a woman that they don’t think their man will be attracted to. Let me tell you this: he may tell you he isn’t attracted to a woman who isn’t as fine as you think she should be, as small as you think she should be or even as smart as you think you are, but if you push a man into a space where he needs to seek what he needs elsewhere, trust me, you would be surprised how “not his type” the other woman may turn out to be.

It’s not always about finding a woman who is finer than you are or smarter or thinner or larger. Sometimes men are just looking for a distraction. Someone who is just enough of a distraction to take their minds away from the drama that is going on in their lives with you because they can’t make heads or tails out of what’s going on between the two of you at the moment. Now, let me be clear, I’m not talking about the men who are just greedy, selfish bastards who just want to sleep around because they are trifling. No. I’m talking about a man who, for whatever reason, due to a shift in your relationship, now feels like he’s between a rock and a hard place. I’ve dealt with both kinds and to be honest, with the ones who were in that space, it was never about sex for them. They just wanted a break from their lousy situation. Sometimes it moved to a “one thing leads to another” situation but the good men really never seal the deal. Their heart is never in it. When a man really loves you, sex is just as an emotional connection as it is with women, but when there is no love involved, sex is just like another body function such as breathing or going to the bathroom. There is still a release and it feels good for a moment, but that’s about it. So, even though it doesn’t seem right, a man can sleep with a woman and feel nothing at all for her, thus the heart not being in it. Trifling cats could care less, but a good man will never feel right about it.

I’m not saying men who cheat should be left off the hook, but speaking as one of the women who men had turned to in the past, there are a few little things you can in the least think about –

Be the safe place he needs. We manage the emotional side of the relationship and for the most part deal with things like vulnerability a lot better than they do. Everything needs to end and begin between the two of you. Make him feel open and safe enough to talk to you about the things he needs to share without feeling judged and a good man will do the same in return with you. Sometimes you have to be his rock when he can’t be the rock for you. Emotional cheating (sharing hopes and dreams and other intimate thoughts with someone other than your mate) can hurt just as much, if not more, than physical cheating. Just try your best to be there.

Try to keep doing the same things that you did when you first met through the dating then on to the married stage. Men are more habitual than they want us to think. They love routines, especially the older they get. If you’ve been with a man long enough and pay attention, you can see his patterns, even with the ones who want you to think they are unpredictable. After a while he’ll become predictably unpredictable (this may sound funny but most women know what I’m talking about.) If you cooked every day, worked out and kept an immaculately clean house and had sex every day then, got married and just fell off of all of that, for some men, that’s gonna cause a problem. Life happens and things change, this is normal, so don’t present yourself as a person that you can’t maintain just to snag the man. That’s the same as lying. If he wined and dined you in the beginning then after you got married and all you ever saw from that point was a McDonalds drive thru window, you know you’d be pissed. Be real with who you are so if he falls for you, he falls for the real you and when life changes, things won’t be so drastic. A relationship built on truth can weather any storm.

Consistent sex means a lot to most men. Stop using sex as a weapon of mass destruction. Using sex as a form of currency in a relationship is not a good idea. EVER. I’m serious. If you start using sex as a bargaining chip: “if you don’t take out the trash, you can’t get any,” I guarantee you he will cash in his chips elsewhere. If you don’t have time to do it, put it on your calendar. If you have to set the alarm clock and get some at 5 am before the kids get up or get creative with the timing, do it. Life sometimes gets in the way of relationships but it’s up to the both of you to maintain it. There are some men who want it 47 times a week but in reality, with work and all the other responsibilities we have, that just isn’t realistic. If you make an effort to make time for it, it makes all the difference in the relationship. On another note: as far as what you do in the bedroom, be open minded. I’m not talking about threesomes and all that. Just be willing to try new things because – and if you don’t get anything else I write in this blog, please get this – if you don’t do it, someone else will….and chances are they will do it WELL.  Work out your inhibitions with your mate. What you do in the bedroom is just between the both of you. Communicate your needs with each other and work it out. Trust me, it will be worth it.

Now ladies, these are just suggestions, you can take them with a grain of salt if you like, but these are things that I found out just from paying attention. There are some men who are greedy and who simply want variety for variety’s sake and may have a host of issues that go way back to before you even met them and with them, there may not be anything you can do. They’re gonna stray just because that’s who they are. You might need to just dump them and keep it moving. The flip side of that is the good man. But understand that if you back that good man in the corner, he may just seek out the distraction. Communicate with him and allow him to communicate with you. It will make all the difference in your relationship.

Some say there should be specific time limits to falling in love, I don’t necessarily believe that. When you feel it, you feel it, it is what it is, but how can you truly know someone enough to move into that relationship space if you’ve only been together for 25 minutes? I mean seriously.

Good relationships take time. This can be said about any relationship you have, whether it is platonic, familial, or romantic. You have to build the proper foundation for it to prosper and flourish. The foundation has to be solid and strong so that it doesn’t crumble, crack or collapse after the first storm you weather together. And, in this humble writer’s opinion, I just don’t think that foundation can be built securely overnight. Let me give you a scenario:

Gina meets Jason. Their chemistry is electric. Their first date lasts 8 hours because after dinner they just couldn’t stop talking. Everything she said, he’d finish the sentence and vice versa. They text and email at work all day, talk on the phone on the way home, see each other every night for weeks. Just can’t get enough of each other. This goes on for about a month or so. Jason professes his undying love for her, she returns the feeling and based purely on emotions, she tells him he’s the one. He feels the same and says “I can’t see myself living another day without you as my wife, let’s get married!” Gina quickly says “Yes!”  Instead of planning a wedding they just drive to the Justice of the Peace, have a civil ceremony and it’s done. Then, as it inevitably does, reality sets in.

They move in together and soon start to see that in the real world, they can’t stand each other. Gina leaves her hair products all over the sink. Jason clips his toenails at the coffee table. Gina can’t cook. Jason leaves his clothes all over the house. Gina can never get to work on time so she can’t keep a job. Jason has a gambling addiction. Gina loves to shop. Jason spends all his extra money on video games and electronic gadgets. Gina nags Jason about every little thing. Jason doesn’t see the point of checking in with Gina about every little thing he does. Gina likes to party with her friends all night. Jason has a bad relationship with his mother and has trust issues with women. Gina was sexually abused in her teens and still hasn’t dealt with the aftermath of the trauma. She jumps from relationship to relationship to fill the void and has never really been single…..the list goes on and on. After about 4 months of living on the Redbull affect of love they thought they had, the marriage fizzles and they divorce citing irreconcilable differences.

I know this sounds like an over-dramatic reality show but unfortunately this came from bits and pieces of relationships of people that I have spoken to over the past few years. At some point, people stopped craving genuine solid relationships and decided to go the fastest route to love that they could possibly find. They treat their relationships like microwave popcorn as opposed to a home cooked meal. Now, don’t get me wrong, a bag of popcorn may stave off your hunger for a couple of hours, but inevitably you will get hungry again. You will crave the sustenance that a home cooked meal brings. As with all good things, that home cooked meal takes time.

You have to find the right ingredients, make sure they are fresh and free of defects. There is a certain amount of preparation involved. You may need to chop up some vegetables, apply a dry rub to the meat, let the bread dough rise, let that risotto simmer down, boil those noodles, whatever the case may be. It all depends on what type of meal you are cooking. You need to follow the recipe to a “T” so the outcome is delicious and nourishing. Have you ever tried to make fried chicken from scratch in the microwave? Yeah, just the thought of that kind of grossed me out, too. Good meals have a certain process that needs to be followed in order for them to taste well and to sustain us, maybe even have leftovers that last a few days as well. That same care and attention to detail needs to be taken when it comes to relationships.

Honest and sometimes difficult conversations need to take place. What kind of relationship does he have with his mother? What was her last relationship like? Does he have children? What are her spiritual views? What’s his work ethic like? How does she manage her finances? What’s his five year plan? I’m not saying bust these out from the first date but if the relationship is moving full steam ahead towards being seriously committed, these are the some of the things that need to be clearly aired out before you move forward. You also need to see what each others’ family is like - how they interact with them, how they interact with you. What is that dynamic like? How your mate’s family interacts with you does have a bit of bearing on the relationship.

Moving on to the home life: are you a neat freak and he’s messy or vice versa? Does you leave hair on the sink? How are you with paying your bills on time? Do you pay them in full or do you rob Peter to pay Paul just to get that new pair of shoes you have your eye on? These are simple questions that might seem funny to some people but are some of the things that need to be thought about BEFORE you decide to get married. The warm and fuzzy feelings of love can soon be dashed by the harsh reality of making a rash decision by marrying someone you never knew well enough in the first place.

There is something to be said for a real courtship. Whatever happened to that? Did it die like some people say chivalry has? Whatever happened to real dating? The anticipation of going out with someone. The good conversations. Getting to that point in the relationship where you meet the family members at a barbeque or dinner. Getting to know the woman’s family well enough so that you ask for the family’s blessing on the union when it’s time. That’s another level of building on that relationship. It takes a village to raise a child but it also take a village to help support that right relationship. I’m not saying that your family needs to be all up in the core of your relationship – the nuts and bolts of the relationship belong just between the two of you - but I am saying that it helps to feel the love for both of you. There is nothing worse than feeling like a black sheep-in-law in a family. T.D. Jakes made mention of this is one of his books I read. He said something like it’s like you are both from foreign countries and speak different languages, but with time, you learn what language is spoken as well as the right dialect. Just as you can’t learn to be fluent in a new language overnight, you can’t build a solid relationship overnight, either.  

The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:4  “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”  I take that to mean that true love takes time. Finding love is not a contest, there is no deadline nor looming finish line to cross. You’re not in competition with anyone else to find a mate, although the world wants you to think you are. There is no need to rush a relationship. Sometimes we allow our own desires of being married or just being with someone to make us hurry up and find someone, but when we do, we inevitable end up with the wrong person. There is no flower to win, no Flava Flav clock necklace to wear, no bag of cash you’ll receive for rushing into love just for that “15 minutes of fame” you think you’ll feel once you get it.  Because when you rush, that’s about how long it will last, a good 15 minutes.  Love is not a prize to win but rather the most special gift we can receive. It should be cherished and nurtured. Well thought-out and planned gifts are always the most special ones. When it comes to something as important as marriage to that mate that you are destined to grow old with and be your companion for life, it pays to take your time.

Whether it takes a year or five years, know that the time you take to build that solid foundation will seem like nothing over the span of that 40 + years you plan to be married. The foundation is the most solid part of the house. You lay it down, then build the rest of your house over it. Make sure that God is the roof and in the end, you won’t need any major repairs. You’ll just spend the rest of your life mowing the lawn and pulling weeds from time to time. Who knows, you might slap on a new coat of paint every now and then just for variety. But if you do it right, you’ll be able to weather anything.

Again, I am not married and not in a relationship at this time as I finally gave up on trying to create a relationship out of the scraps that I was allowing others to give me, but I pay attention to what others have said to me in the past and decided I wasn’t going to do what they did. You can take all of what I said however you like. I can’t say I know what it’s like to be married, and that’s not what I wrote about above either. What I can say is what won’t work when establishing a faulty foundation because as of yet, starting out in a relationship from the wrong stand point hasn’t worked for me or anyone else I’ve met thus far. You can take it all with a grain of salt if you like and keep throwing your packet of popcorn in the microwave with hopes that it will sustain you for the long run or you can ask God for the right recipe, take out your cutting board, wash out those  pots and pans and take a good look down that spice rack to see what you plan on mixing in the pot. Take your time, there is no need to rush.

Why do people try so hard to seem so complicated? I can understand not exposing all your innermost thoughts and feelings to everyone in the world via Facebook but in the real world, when it comes to someone that you care about and are looking towards a long term commitment with – whether it be a romantic one or simply a plutonic relationship – why is it so hard for some people to be clear with their intentions and/or relationship statuses? Even if you don’t care about the individual, why can’t that be clear as well?

Now, let ME be clear, this isn’t the ranting of an upset woman. I’m just wondering why so many people seem to enjoy keeping their communication about their relationship status, or feelings for one another, as ambiguous as possible then blame it on the other person when they didn’t understand what was being said to them. Or when they say one thing then quite clearly do an entirely different function with their actions. This confuses me to no end. Let me give you an example from my own life -

I once knew this guy who took pride in this “It’s Complicatedness.” We’ll call him Teddy to protect the guilty. So Teddy would do things like make completely ambiguous statements like: “I know how I feel about you but at this time my reality isn’t clear,” to which I would respond “Um, what does that mean?” Then he would say “That’s up to you to figure out.” However, if later on down the line I mistook what he said in a completely opposite direction and got upset about it, he would say “Well, that’s your fault, I already told you what the situation was.”  He had a host of other problems that led me to believe that he might have been a little bipolar but that’s a whole other post all together . He, I learned in retrospect, was trying to be confusing on purpose because he was actually dating another woman – well a quite a few at the time – and didn’t want to clearly state “I’m seeing other people but want to keep you on speed dial just in case it doesn’t work out with any of the rest of them ” for fear that I would leave him alone altogether because he didn’t want to end our physical relationship at the time. Now, if he would have made what his real intentions were clear from the start, would I have still had that physical relationship with him? Possibly, but I was never even given the opportunity to weigh the options.

Now, don’t think I’m not addressing women with this either. I’ve known a few women who will let a man wine and dine her, spend all kinds of cash on her and have no intentions of going anywhere near a relationship with the situation. If the man just likes to take her out, well that’s fine but if she’s leading him on little by little simply because she enjoys the perks and is still trying to keep her other options open, then that’s just wrong. Dating someone and just “kicking it” are two different things. If you want go just go out and have a good time, great, do that. But if you aren’t feeling the individual, let them know.  Be clear at all times. Clarity saves drama from trying to pour gasoline all over your clothes, dump them in your convertible and set fire to them as you walk away to a Mary J. Blige track while smoking a cigarette. I’m just saying.

Most people don’t want to just come out with what they really want to do because,  A: they have no idea what they really want or,  B: the fear that if they tell you what they want and it’s not what YOU want there is a chance you won’t want to interact with that person in the first place.  It’s ok to not know what you want.  Speak up and say so. Eventually you’ll decide if you’re serious about things, if you want to keep things on a friendship level or if you want to run away screaming. Once you know what you want to do have enough respect for an individual as a human being to come out with it. If you don’t have enough respect to deal with someone on that level, you’re better off not being in contact with them in the first place.

So long story short, the root of the lack of clarity in communication in some relationships could be fear, fear that you honestly have no idea what’s going on or how you feel.  Although maybe you do and just want to keep that information to yourself so you can keep doing your dirt in the dark.  Which is it?  If you choose not to own up to it and express that fear to the world by stating “It’s complicated,” well, that’s entirely up to you.

Be clear with your life’s status. Either you’re single or you’re not. Be clear with your communication. Either you want a relationship or you don’t. No one can fully understand what comes out of your head unless you break it down for them. You are your best interpreter and someone out there is dying to understand what you’re trying to say. Help them out. It’s really not that complicated.

Make the rough edges smooth…..

This is only my side of the story and I’m sure you have yours. You may disagree with what I have to say and that’s ok. I’ve tried to be as fair as I can but there is so much I don’t know and can’t speak on because you never made how you felt completely clear to me.

I loved you so much at one time that it hurt. I know now what I felt was a connection to a man that I had created in my own mind. A man who really didn’t exist. Sure, you physically exist, but the man I had created in my mind was a caricature of who I wished you would be to me. When I first met you, I was drawn to what I thought was God telling me, that you were the one. It was a small, still voice when I heard it and at the time I didn’t even know who you were. Instead of just allowing things to progress into what they could have been, I got in my own way. In the beginning, you were sweet to me, quite the gentleman. You were the man that others get to see now, the man others experience now, the man that I always wished I could have had. That was the piece of you that was like a drug to me , like chasing the high that you get once and could never get again.

You were on a relationship rollercoaster, I found out later. The perception I got was that you wanted to play the field but still wanted to have your cake and eat to.  And the fact that I was a bit older than you was also something you liked. Not sure why, but men like what they like. Now mind you, if I had just let it all go then, I never would have gotten emotionally invested in you but as the emotional creatures that women can be and as thirsty as I was for love at the time, I pursued you. You knew this and you enjoyed it. 1 girlfriend, 2 girlfriends, 3 girlfriends you went through yet somehow you always came back to me. I can honestly say the only reason why you kept coming back was just because you enjoyed the sex.  I acknowledge that. You even admitted this one time, when you came to my house during the regular booty call hours and told me while you were drunk off your ass.  Funny thing was I tried to ask you how you really felt about me and you dodged the question which is quite a feat because either you weren’t all that drunk or men can keep the walls up even when they are fully inebriated. I’m inclined to think it is the latter. I recall many a night that you came over while driving drunk. I’d pray the whole way until you made it hoping that you wouldn’t die in a horrible crash on the way to the house. It begs the question: did you need to get drunk to see me or did drinking make you want to see me? The only person who knows the answer to that is you.  I remember one night you were so drunk you threw up all over my bathroom floor. I helped you get back in the bed and patiently cleaned up the mess. Then I rubbed your back until you fell asleep again. That’s how much I loved you. I still don’t regret it, you do things that don’t always make sense for people you love.

Recently you told me you loved me and I got all excited because I thought maybe we would finally be together one day.  Reality is you love me in the way that you just hope I don’t fall off a cliff or get hit by a bus tomorrow and die so that you could still come through and get some of whatever it is that feeds your spirit when you see me. I’m real with myself about it now. You spent years fronting me off to your friends, at least the friends we both knew. You didn’t want anyone to know that we were messing with each other or even in contact with each other because somebody would have something to say to you about it. (My flaw was sharing how I felt about you with some who felt the need to say something to you about it. I felt bad about that in hindsight. Some things are best to keep to yourself even when the relationship isn’t really a relationship) It’s funny because most of the people you knew didn’t have a clue about who I was or what I was really about but you said using some of what you had heard from them – I am paraphrasing now - you made a decision that I wasn’t the woman for you.  One would think a grown ass man wouldn’t allow others to cloud his vision of someone he said he cared about but, hey, every man is different. Hell, I don’t even know if it was true, but you said it, can’t contest it. You say you told me this – that it was all about the sex, nothing more or less – but I guess my obsession, no,  my addiction, to you blinded me to that. Deeper and deeper in love I fell with a man who didn’t exist.

I loved you so much. You told me we’d always be friends and that we’d always talk things out. If things got too complicated (i.e., sleeping together with no strings attached) we would just sever the physical ties and move forward. This happened a few times in the years I’ve known you and somehow we would disconnect and end up back in the same place again. Through all the women you were with, somehow you always ended up back with me. Not in a relationship, just in the most basic primal physical parts of your being. And I still loved you. I’d always take you back, no matter what you had said previously. You could have been the world’s biggest asshole to me – you were a few times – but after some time apart, I would wipe the slate clean as if nothing had happened and take you back. You were used to this, you still are. This is the rollercoaster ride we’ve been on for almost 8 years now……but now I’ve gotten off the ride. This time you stabbed me as deeply as you could in my heart and left the knife in. And you know what?

 I am actually glad you did.

You say with your mouth that you want to be friends but your actions tell me you only want me to be your booty call. People who care about others make time for the people they care about, even if it’s only a little bit of time. They meet for drinks every now and then, they might have dinner, whatever. They don’t claim they don’t have time, then the time they do have is somewhere between the hours of 11pm and 2am. They treat them with respect…consistently. You seem to forget that I know a few of the same people you know and it’s interesting that you don’t treat any of them nearly as badly as you treated me. But hey, I don’t know how you treat everyone so this is just speculation on my part.  But none of that matters. I’m moving on.

In all actuality, you may never read this but that’s cool.  I’m writing this for me. I’m writing this as the bandaid that I have to tear off the gaping wound in order for it to actually heal. This toxic relationship we had only served to suit your sexual needs. You would come over, get what you needed and cut. I would then try to beg you for months to come spend time with me again, to just squeeze me into your schedule, if you could just get a little time to see me. Your response would be “Maybe” or “I’ll try.” Many times you didn’t respond at all. Well I don’t need or want the scraps of this relationship anymore. I can’t keep pretending that you will turn into this man I have created in my head, this man who will never exist. No one should have to beg anyone for their time, love or attention. I’m not ashamed to say I did for a long time.You live, you learn, you change then you grow.

I thought hard about it and realized I’ve rehashed the same scraps of a relationship with different people in the past. It’s been a long cycle and I’m tired of it. Letting you go is the only way I can make room for God to bless me with the right man. The man that I will look at one day and see that he is the reason why things never worked out with anyone else. The one that God designed just for me. Part of me feels a loss for the friendship we had. There were some sparks of sunshine, we had a good chemistry, no doubt, but I’m not sure if you can look past the mess and be a real friend to me. You are still in some ways figuring out who you are and what you want to do with your life and maybe being in contact with me is hindering the growth that needs to occur in you. Maybe in the future we can talk but now….I have no desire to speak to you.

I wish you well, I truly do. I hope one day that you meet someone who becomes the love of your life, the woman of your dreams. I hope you fall in love and live a long, happy and prosperous life.  I hope you acheive all the things you want and become the man God meant for you to be. I hope you have children and I hope you raise them in the right way. I wish you nothing but happiness because I would never in a million years wish that anyone feel the way I did when I was in love with you. I wouldn’t wish that pain or heartache on anyone. Sure, I put a lot of that pain on myself but there was a certain amount of responsibility that you chose not take. Somehow I lost your respect and never gained it back. It happens, we move on.

If you feel bad for what you did, don’t. If you don’t, that’s fine too. As long as you make things right with God, be that man that He wants you to be, that’s all that matters.

I wish you well.

The hardest part of last year was letting go of the comfortable to leave room open for the unknown.  I had to let go of someone who would never be good enough for me but I kept him around simply to pass the time.  I was angry for a second but the reality is we all serve a purpose to each other in this short time we spend on the planet.

 There are some you will see in passing, some you may just see on tv but then there are some that you will actually interact with.  The ones who you will actually be in contact may just leave a footprint on your life but its up to you to decide what kind of impact that footprint will make.  Will it be like the footprint left behind like the astronauts on the moon, left there in an environment with no wind or water to erase it, left forever for all to see who was there before?  Or will it be like a footprint in the sand, there for a few moments until the next cleansing tide washes it away for another set of footprints to take it’s place.  Will you let the past go, forgive and move forward?

Notice I said “forgive” and not “forget”.  You must not forget in order to remember not to fall in the same trap you did in the past but you must not let the memory make you relive your past regrets about it.  Many people think the true test of if you can move on from a situation is if you react differently if the same set of circumstances happened to you again.  It’s ok to remember, just don’t let the memories keep you in the past.  Always look ahead….

Let 2010 be a prosperous year for you.  I believe that God has a purpose for us all.  Regardless of the recession, you can thrive.  You can do all the things you want to do.  Go to school, lose weight, meet a mate, start a business, all of that, go for it.  A test of progress: are you dealing with the same issues you were dealing with this time last year? No?  Good for you!  Yes?  That’s ok, try again.  Move forward.

You can’t do it alone, get help.  It doesn’t necessarily mean you need professional help, look to your friends and family.  If you are surrounded by positive, encouraging people, you will reap the benefits.  Assess your hater weight.  Lose all that negativity.  Lose all that hater weight.  If the people in your life aren’t about helping you move forward, then find new people.  Stop making excuses.  Start making plans.  Finish your projects.  Make ‘you’ your number one priority.  Everything else will fall in line after that.

This is the year to handle your business.  It’s time to stop whining about everything and complaining about others all the time.  If you don’t like your spiritual/psychological/physical/emotional outlook, change it.

End of story. 

Make 2010 the year you changed your life for the better.

DO IT.

I met him almost 9 years ago. I think it was on Blackplanet. I don’t recall exactly how we actually ended up meeting in person, but from that point on, I can’t recall not hearing from him at least once every blue moon. We had our ups and downs and we never really dated, but back then, I’m not sure if it was the idea of spending time with him or me not feeling alone was what kept me keeping him around.

I was still seeing other people, so was he (he had a child within a time we  had fallen out) but maybe somewhere in my head - I don’t know why- I felt like we’d be together at some point. Funny thing was, the more I thought about it, the more the cons piled up higher than the pros. He was responsible, good in bed but on the flip side, he could be a little boring which later on I translated as simply having nothing to say to me other than to alude to wanting to have sex but outside of sex we really didn’t have anything to talk about. Absolutely fascinating, yes I know.

Now hindsight is 20/20 and the more I think about it now, I think we both tolerated each other. I don’t think either of us really wanted to be with each other, because if he wanted to be with me, he would have let me know and if I truly wanted to be with him, I would have stopped seeing other people. At least one would think. I suppose you could say, or rather I could say, that I let him stick around because I didn’t have anything else to do.

I never met his family or friends and he never met mine. The bulk of what we were was sex, so generally speaking, we were on bootycall terms. To some, I could have been called a jump off, which I think is more accurate. When he was annoyed at his daughter’s mom or the other chick/s he was seeing, he would come see me. In any case, there were no ‘Happy Birthdays’ calls or trips planned to go out or even trips the movies. You don’t do those things for booty calls or jump offs. I’m not sure if he thought I didn’t know he treated me this way or if he thought I knew and just didn’t care. I’m inclined to believe to that he just didn’t care.

The last straw was -

A while  ago I decided that I was done with feeling used because the novelty had worn off for me. I knew I had allowed him to make me feel that way but that time had come to an end. Now at one point, I was cool with the casual sex thing, but after awhile it gets old. Sex with no strings is fine if you don’t want anything more. When you want more, it’s not all that great. What’s worse is wanting more but not from anyone that you’re currently sleeping with. That’s like trying to put a square peg in a round hole. It’s never going to fit. So I let all that go, thinking that it had been awhile since I had last heard from him and that he would fade away but I forgot about his MO (pop up every once in a while to see me when he wanted to see me) and instead of just facing the situation head on, I figured it would just wither away like dust. Silly me.

He called me as I was getting off of work one day. I answered the phone with an attitude yet I don’t think he actually picked up on it. Either T-Mobile was tripping that day or he was just oblivious. He asked me how I was doing, Isaid fine. He asked me about some other things and then some how we got on the subject of seeing other people. I said I wasn’t seeing anyone and for the first time in a long time I was actually 100% single. He said he had just gotten kicked to the curb. I said ‘Really? How so?”

He explained:

He was seeing a woman who lived out of town and had been seeing her for a rather long time. He called her up and told her he had plans for her birthday weekend, he told her it would be a fun filled weekend and he had a full agenda for them. At first she says she’s not sure if she’ll have the time but she decided she’d keep the date open. Now in the past he would come up and stay the night or the weekend and she would make him wonderful breakfasts but lately she had been making excuses and hadn’t really had much time for him. The day of her birthday comes and goes and he doesn’t get her a card, however, since he already planned to spend the weekend with her, he figured he’d make it up to her when he saw her. So she texts him the next day – a 3 paged text, mind you – explaining how she was angry with him that he didn’t send her a card on her birthday and he goes on and on how he couldn’t understand why she was acting like that and that she must have been messing with another guy and wanted to spend time with him to purposely pick a fight with him over something so trivial. He then went on to explain how when they met she was seeing a married man who had at one point done the same thing to her that she was doing to him and how Karma is was a b*tch and how if she called, when she called, he’d never speak to her again because he couldn’t trust that she was telling him the truth about anything in the future and that he was always good to her and she’d never meet another man like him.

How do I know all this? Because he told me. And Isat there and listened to every last word.

In the entire 8+ years I’ve known this man, I learned more about him in this 57 minute conversation than I ever had before. First and foremost this was the longest conversation we had ever had, and second, this was the only real conversation we ever had about anything, and third, this was the only conversation we ever had where I felt that he was actually telling me the truth. However, this conversation was the begining of the end for me. Can you guess why?

 He had exposed his game to me - completely. You never tell the jump off what you do with the next chick especially if you hadn’t told the jump off she was the jump off but she had already figured it out.

God will make people do the strangest things sometimes just to prove a point.

Hm.

I think I had convinced myself that I had feelings for him because I was lonely and was more concerned about being “we” instead of being “me”  with someone -anybody, really- but I think part of the reason why I was upset after this chain of events was why I let it go on for so long. I recall asking him why we had never hooked up in the past to which he’d always say “I don’t know” but the more accurate answer would have been “I don’t want to be with you, I’m interested in this other chick I’ve actually been dating but when she isn’t acting right, I come see you because I enjoy having sex with you.” Now what man in his right mind would actually say that? One who wasn’t interesting in having sex with this particular female anymore because after hearing that, most would have kicked him to the curb.

Now in this conversation, I played the concerned friend. I told him I understood what he was going through as well as gave him advice – why did I do that, you might ask – mostly because I wanted to see how much he was actually going to tell me, which was everything. Then I said I had to go and that I would have to talk to him later, if he wanted to talk more about the situation. Why, you ask? I think I was on auto pilot by that point. He told me he wanted to come by later that night. I ended up falling asleep in the living room and he calls me the next morning around 9 am. I thought it was weird but then he says he’s on his way over and hangs up. Mind you, I was sleep and now you’re telling me you’re on your way over. Why didn’t I call him back and say don’t come over. I couldn’t tell you that, I have no idea. Maybe I thought we would have actually kicked it or talked or whatever, I don’t know. But I didn’t.

He comes over and I open the door and lay back down on the couch. He goes into the bathroom, washes up and proceeds to funk up my bathroom. I don’t know why that part stood out in my mind but it was yet another thing he had never done in my house before. He just had this level of comfort that I knew in many ways I had allowed him to build but at this point was starting to annoy me.

In my head I had planned on staying asleep on the couch but as always he plans were to come over and have sex. I wasn’t particularly in the mood to do it but after awhile your body just goes into automatic pilot, especially when someone starts messing with you. So we proceed to…well, do the do. But about 10 minutes into the act something really weird happened:

I started to cry.

I know, I was tripping, too.

I have never, ever, ever, EVER cried during sex. Not even during good sex. Never had a “I saw the sun, the moon, the mountains and the river” moments where the flood gates of emotions poured out. Please. Are you kidding me? I was never that chick. Never have been, never will be.

I cried because Iwas tired.

Iwas tired of allowing myself to be used by a man that I would never be with nor would he ever want to be with me nor did I even really want to be with him. I was tired of pretending that I was ok with a casual situation with this man when in reality I really just wanted him to go away and leave me be. I was tired after listening to a man complain about how another woman wasn’t treating him right, and that he, in essence, was doing or had done the same stuff she did to him to me, but since it wasn’t important enough for him hadn’t connected the dots and most likely never would.  Weary tears.

So of course we stop and he asks me what’s wrong. To which I said something to the affect that I felt of very little value at the time and couldn’t do what we were doing because I felt that he didn’t care very much about me at all.

 Now during the conversation we had about the chick he was dating I had already accepted that I didn’t have any real value to him, because out of all the stuff he had said he had done for her, he had never done any of that with me or for me, so that statement was definitely out of weariness, because in all honesty, I knew what the deal was.  One would think that if you were visibly upset  in the least the other person would try to understand where you were coming from, or give you a good dose of BS just to keep the party going to get back to the booty, but I guess God just wasn’t in the mood for BS that day because when I made that statement, can you guess what his response was?

Nothing. Absolutely. Nothing.

He stared at me for a few moments like a deer caught in the headlights, watched some sports on TV, then rolled over and went to sleep.

At this point I think I was too shocked to be really upset. I think it takes an awesome amount of “I don’t give a sh*t” to see a person upset, say nothing in response then feel comfortable enough to fall asleep because you know that she’s not going to cook up a nice pot of hot grits to dump on your head while you’re sleeping. I also think he was definitely blessed to not be dealing with a female who would have cooked said grits and dumped them on his head. I would have taken him just up and leaving afterward better, I’m not sure how but I think I would have. So a while later he wakes up and leaves with a half hearted “I’ll talk to you later.”

I’m was still a little baffled at his lack of saying anything but, this just frosted the “I really should have left you years ago” cake that I was baking in my mind. I still can’t understand how a person can just stare you in the face when you are obviously upset and say nothing at all. The only conclusion I can come to is: he wasn’t supposed to. You see, if he would have said something, anything other than nothing at all, it’s quite possible I might have found a reason to continue to deal with him, when the truth was this situation was like spoiled milk that had been sitting in my fridge for 8 years, I should have thrown in out a long time ago.

I let a full week and some change go by before addressing the issue. I figured I’d send him an email of goodbye because he never answered my calls or texts (yet another ‘treat em like a bootycall’ trait) but Iwanted enough time to go by so that he could at least attempt to say something but then started to think about what he really could say. Nothing. In a situation such as that, either you say something in the midst of it or what should have been said was never going to be said.

I wrote a few different drafts of the letter but the bulk of it was said in the first draft. I made it clear that I knew that I was just a side piece for him and that there was never going to be a future outside sex between us. I let him know that I had no feelings of ill will towards him – which is actually true – and that I wished him well in his life but I had no desire to see him in the future. I thought long and hard about that last part because if you know someone for almost 9 years and you learn more about them in an hour of conversation than in the entire time you’ve known them, chances are you were never really friends in the first place.

I knew I was good to him in the past but I think I had different reasons for keeping him around. To be honest, I don’t really think there ever would have really been an “us” because neither of us was truly being honest about anything with one another. I felt disrespected in the end but only because he didn’t say anything at all.  In hindsight, things turned out the way they were supposed to.

Sometimes when you’re trying to live a life of truth, God will shine lights into all the corners of your life. It can feel bad at times but when the goal is to make you a better person, the more skeletons will fall out of your closet. What doesn’t kill you may hurt but you’ll definitely come out a stronger person.