I’m single and have been for a while, yet I am always happy to hear about when the people I care about find love. A few years ago, I might not have been so happy while dealing with my own relationship ups and downs, but now I’ve moved into a place where I know that God just hasn’t sent me the right man yet, so for now, I’ll just be patient. Being in this patient space has allowed me to just sit back and watch people in their natural habitats, so to speak, and simply observe what they do, how they communicate with each other and so on. I do this mostly for my own benefit, so I can learn how to build better relationships as well as share what I’ve learned with others. One thing that never ceases to amaze me is this era of microwave relationships or “Popcorn Love” as I like to call it. This is when on Monday they meet someone and by Friday they’re married. Why do people do this?

Some say there should be specific time limits to falling in love, I don’t necessarily believe that. When you feel it, you feel it, it is what it is, but how can you truly know someone enough to move into that relationship space if you’ve only been together for 25 minutes? I mean seriously.

Good relationships take time. This can be said about any relationship you have, whether it is platonic, familial, or romantic. You have to build the proper foundation for it to prosper and flourish. The foundation has to be solid and strong so that it doesn’t crumble, crack or collapse after the first storm you weather together. And, in this humble writer’s opinion, I just don’t think that foundation can be built securely overnight. Let me give you a scenario:

Gina meets Jason. Their chemistry is electric. Their first date lasts 8 hours because after dinner they just couldn’t stop talking. Everything she said, he’d finish the sentence and vice versa. They text and email at work all day, talk on the phone on the way home, see each other every night for weeks. Just can’t get enough of each other. This goes on for about a month or so. Jason professes his undying love for her, she returns the feeling and based purely on emotions, she tells him he’s the one. He feels the same and says “I can’t see myself living another day without you as my wife, let’s get married!” Gina quickly says “Yes!”  Instead of planning a wedding they just drive to the Justice of the Peace, have a civil ceremony and it’s done. Then, as it inevitably does, reality sets in.

They move in together and soon start to see that in the real world, they can’t stand each other. Gina leaves her hair products all over the sink. Jason clips his toenails at the coffee table. Gina can’t cook. Jason leaves his clothes all over the house. Gina can never get to work on time so she can’t keep a job. Jason has a gambling addiction. Gina loves to shop. Jason spends all his extra money on video games and electronic gadgets. Gina nags Jason about every little thing. Jason doesn’t see the point of checking in with Gina about every little thing he does. Gina likes to party with her friends all night. Jason has a bad relationship with his mother and has trust issues with women. Gina was sexually abused in her teens and still hasn’t dealt with the aftermath of the trauma. She jumps from relationship to relationship to fill the void and has never really been single…..the list goes on and on. After about 4 months of living on the Redbull affect of love they thought they had, the marriage fizzles and they divorce citing irreconcilable differences.

I know this sounds like an over-dramatic reality show but unfortunately this came from bits and pieces of relationships of people that I have spoken to over the past few years. At some point, people stopped craving genuine solid relationships and decided to go the fastest route to love that they could possibly find. They treat their relationships like microwave popcorn as opposed to a home cooked meal. Now, don’t get me wrong, a bag of popcorn may stave off your hunger for a couple of hours, but inevitably you will get hungry again. You will crave the sustenance that a home cooked meal brings. As with all good things, that home cooked meal takes time.

You have to find the right ingredients, make sure they are fresh and free of defects. There is a certain amount of preparation involved. You may need to chop up some vegetables, apply a dry rub to the meat, let the bread dough rise, let that risotto simmer down, boil those noodles, whatever the case may be. It all depends on what type of meal you are cooking. You need to follow the recipe to a “T” so the outcome is delicious and nourishing. Have you ever tried to make fried chicken from scratch in the microwave? Yeah, just the thought of that kind of grossed me out, too. Good meals have a certain process that needs to be followed in order for them to taste well and to sustain us, maybe even have leftovers that last a few days as well. That same care and attention to detail needs to be taken when it comes to relationships.

Honest and sometimes difficult conversations need to take place. What kind of relationship does he have with his mother? What was her last relationship like? Does he have children? What are her spiritual views? What’s his work ethic like? How does she manage her finances? What’s his five year plan? I’m not saying bust these out from the first date but if the relationship is moving full steam ahead towards being seriously committed, these are the some of the things that need to be clearly aired out before you move forward. You also need to see what each others’ family is like - how they interact with them, how they interact with you. What is that dynamic like? How your mate’s family interacts with you does have a bit of bearing on the relationship.

Moving on to the home life: are you a neat freak and he’s messy or vice versa? Does you leave hair on the sink? How are you with paying your bills on time? Do you pay them in full or do you rob Peter to pay Paul just to get that new pair of shoes you have your eye on? These are simple questions that might seem funny to some people but are some of the things that need to be thought about BEFORE you decide to get married. The warm and fuzzy feelings of love can soon be dashed by the harsh reality of making a rash decision by marrying someone you never knew well enough in the first place.

There is something to be said for a real courtship. Whatever happened to that? Did it die like some people say chivalry has? Whatever happened to real dating? The anticipation of going out with someone. The good conversations. Getting to that point in the relationship where you meet the family members at a barbeque or dinner. Getting to know the woman’s family well enough so that you ask for the family’s blessing on the union when it’s time. That’s another level of building on that relationship. It takes a village to raise a child but it also take a village to help support that right relationship. I’m not saying that your family needs to be all up in the core of your relationship – the nuts and bolts of the relationship belong just between the two of you - but I am saying that it helps to feel the love for both of you. There is nothing worse than feeling like a black sheep-in-law in a family. T.D. Jakes made mention of this is one of his books I read. He said something like it’s like you are both from foreign countries and speak different languages, but with time, you learn what language is spoken as well as the right dialect. Just as you can’t learn to be fluent in a new language overnight, you can’t build a solid relationship overnight, either.  

The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:4  “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”  I take that to mean that true love takes time. Finding love is not a contest, there is no deadline nor looming finish line to cross. You’re not in competition with anyone else to find a mate, although the world wants you to think you are. There is no need to rush a relationship. Sometimes we allow our own desires of being married or just being with someone to make us hurry up and find someone, but when we do, we inevitable end up with the wrong person. There is no flower to win, no Flava Flav clock necklace to wear, no bag of cash you’ll receive for rushing into love just for that “15 minutes of fame” you think you’ll feel once you get it.  Because when you rush, that’s about how long it will last, a good 15 minutes.  Love is not a prize to win but rather the most special gift we can receive. It should be cherished and nurtured. Well thought-out and planned gifts are always the most special ones. When it comes to something as important as marriage to that mate that you are destined to grow old with and be your companion for life, it pays to take your time.

Whether it takes a year or five years, know that the time you take to build that solid foundation will seem like nothing over the span of that 40 + years you plan to be married. The foundation is the most solid part of the house. You lay it down, then build the rest of your house over it. Make sure that God is the roof and in the end, you won’t need any major repairs. You’ll just spend the rest of your life mowing the lawn and pulling weeds from time to time. Who knows, you might slap on a new coat of paint every now and then just for variety. But if you do it right, you’ll be able to weather anything.

Again, I am not married and not in a relationship at this time as I finally gave up on trying to create a relationship out of the scraps that I was allowing others to give me, but I pay attention to what others have said to me in the past and decided I wasn’t going to do what they did. You can take all of what I said however you like. I can’t say I know what it’s like to be married, and that’s not what I wrote about above either. What I can say is what won’t work when establishing a faulty foundation because as of yet, starting out in a relationship from the wrong stand point hasn’t worked for me or anyone else I’ve met thus far. You can take it all with a grain of salt if you like and keep throwing your packet of popcorn in the microwave with hopes that it will sustain you for the long run or you can ask God for the right recipe, take out your cutting board, wash out those  pots and pans and take a good look down that spice rack to see what you plan on mixing in the pot. Take your time, there is no need to rush.

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