Memoirs of a Retired Side Chick…

Some people think that becoming a side chick isn’t a decision and that it just happens to you, but that isn’t true at all. You decide be a side chick. You make a conscious decision to be Girlfriend Number 2. Generally, it’s after having been hurt for a while and after deciding that typical relationships aren’t for you, so instead of having to do all the work a relationship requires, you settle for sex or scraps of an individual and, in turn, you give out scraps of yourself as well.  In the beginning, you don’t feel like it’s a big deal because you’re dealing with men on your own terms. There’s no love. There is no need to check-in with someone else and essentially you just do whatever you want to do. Some men can do this their whole lives, seeing as they are sociologically taught to sow their oats, seize and conquer, be playboys and all that; however, here’s where the problem comes in with women: we just aren’t wired to exist this way forever.

At some point we want to settle down, maybe have a family, and move on to another stage in our lives. Sometimes we make the mistake of emotionally connecting to one of these cats that we were the side chick to and expect him to change the game midstream and stop looking at us as a side but now as an entrée. This is a huge issue because most men, and some women as well, can’t see past who you were to them when you first started out. It’s all about foundation. It’s very rare that you start out as a person’s booty call and later on down the line marry them. I’m not saying it can’t happen, I’m just saying that I haven’t heard of anyone who’s done it successfully yet. At some point in your life, you have to grow up and move on. You have to take responsibility for whatever pain that others have caused you, dust off your self-esteem and keep it moving. Not all of my life is an open book but there are some things that you have to share in order for others to learn from what you’ve been through. Hopefully this post will help someone learn from what I have learned.

For many years, up until not too long ago,  I was the chick on the side. Yep. The chick that no one would ever know about but your man would run to when you were getting on his nerves. A couple of them were married, most were just in some sort of “it’s complicated” relationship or another, but I knew my role was clear as Girlfriend Number 2. Now, you can feel free to judge me if you like. Knock yourself out. I’m not that person anymore, nor am I ashamed of who I was. I learned an incredible amount of information that I can now share with others. I realize that sometimes God allows us to go through situations so that He can use our lives as a testimony to others. If anything, looking back, that period in my life taught me what I shouldn’t do with my future husband.

You see, in my role as the side piece, one thing I was privy to was pure, unadulterated truth: men could care less about sparing my feelings or saying whatever they felt they needed to say to keep the sex going. As women, we all say we want the truth, but we actually want our truth delivered tactfully, all pretty and with a big ole red bow on it. Well, that’s not the truth that the side chick gets. Side chicks get “after sex glow” truth, which is usually truth told right before he falls asleep. No tact, just straight up real talk. This is similar to talking to people who are drunk and just as brutally honest.

Now, not all of them were physical situations – which seems shocking when you talk about cheating – but in reality, most times they just wanted someone they could talk to about the stuff that was on their minds but they didn’t feel that they could talk to you about it because –

1. You emasculated him in the past. Say he got a little misty when a close family member passed away and felt like he wanted to open up and talk to you about it. You may have laughed or told him to “man up,” “suck it up,” or “get over it.” So he gave up talking to you because he was hurt and sought a little positive conversation elsewhere.

2. You don’t know how to listen. Effective conversation is an art form. It’s like a tennis match. You serve the ball to me and I serve it back to you. If you keep the ball more on your side of the court, at some point on my side, I’m going to get bored and stop playing with you. There is a time to fight and a time to just talk things out. There is also at time to just sit, be still and listen. If every conversation you had with him always ended up with you just talking about you, your issues, your drama and not caring anything about his, chances are he might seek out more fulfilling communication elsewhere.

Realize this, not all cheating situations start out as physical. Sometimes, most times actually, he’s just looking for a break from you. A drink can lead to a conversation which can lead to another drink which could then lead to one thing leading to another. It happens all the time.

Never underestimate who you think your man may or may not be attracted to. I am a woman with all kinds of marketable skills. I can sing, cook, and do a whole host of other amazing things, just like many other women in the world, but the one thing I have in spades is: I know how to treat a man. I know exactly what it is I need to say in order to spark an interest in him.  Now to add to the list, the least of these things would be that I am a big, beautiful woman. Yep, a big girl. In and of itself that isn’t a big deal, but what is interesting about this is that many women will write off a woman that they don’t think their man will be attracted to. Let me tell you this: he may tell you he isn’t attracted to a woman who isn’t as fine as you think she should be, as small as you think she should be or even as smart as you think you are, but if you push a man into a space where he needs to seek what he needs elsewhere, trust me, you would be surprised how “not his type” the other woman may turn out to be.

It’s not always about finding a woman who is finer than you are or smarter or thinner or larger. Sometimes men are just looking for a distraction. Someone who is just enough of a distraction to take their minds away from the drama that is going on in their lives with you because they can’t make heads or tails out of what’s going on between the two of you at the moment. Now, let me be clear, I’m not talking about the men who are just greedy, selfish bastards who just want to sleep around because they are trifling. No. I’m talking about a man who, for whatever reason, due to a shift in your relationship, now feels like he’s between a rock and a hard place. I’ve dealt with both kinds and to be honest, with the ones who were in that space, it was never about sex for them. They just wanted a break from their lousy situation. Sometimes it moved to a “one thing leads to another” situation but the good men really never seal the deal. Their heart is never in it. When a man really loves you, sex is just as an emotional connection as it is with women, but when there is no love involved, sex is just like another body function such as breathing or going to the bathroom. There is still a release and it feels good for a moment, but that’s about it. So, even though it doesn’t seem right, a man can sleep with a woman and feel nothing at all for her, thus the heart not being in it. Trifling cats could care less, but a good man will never feel right about it.

I’m not saying men who cheat should be left off the hook, but speaking as one of the women who men had turned to in the past, there are a few little things you can in the least think about –

Be the safe place he needs. We manage the emotional side of the relationship and for the most part deal with things like vulnerability a lot better than they do. Everything needs to end and begin between the two of you. Make him feel open and safe enough to talk to you about the things he needs to share without feeling judged and a good man will do the same in return with you. Sometimes you have to be his rock when he can’t be the rock for you. Emotional cheating (sharing hopes and dreams and other intimate thoughts with someone other than your mate) can hurt just as much, if not more, than physical cheating. Just try your best to be there.

Try to keep doing the same things that you did when you first met through the dating then on to the married stage. Men are more habitual than they want us to think. They love routines, especially the older they get. If you’ve been with a man long enough and pay attention, you can see his patterns, even with the ones who want you to think they are unpredictable. After a while he’ll become predictably unpredictable (this may sound funny but most women know what I’m talking about.) If you cooked every day, worked out and kept an immaculately clean house and had sex every day then, got married and just fell off of all of that, for some men, that’s gonna cause a problem. Life happens and things change, this is normal, so don’t present yourself as a person that you can’t maintain just to snag the man. That’s the same as lying. If he wined and dined you in the beginning then after you got married and all you ever saw from that point was a McDonalds drive thru window, you know you’d be pissed. Be real with who you are so if he falls for you, he falls for the real you and when life changes, things won’t be so drastic. A relationship built on truth can weather any storm.

Consistent sex means a lot to most men. Stop using sex as a weapon of mass destruction. Using sex as a form of currency in a relationship is not a good idea. EVER. I’m serious. If you start using sex as a bargaining chip: “if you don’t take out the trash, you can’t get any,” I guarantee you he will cash in his chips elsewhere. If you don’t have time to do it, put it on your calendar. If you have to set the alarm clock and get some at 5 am before the kids get up or get creative with the timing, do it. Life sometimes gets in the way of relationships but it’s up to the both of you to maintain it. There are some men who want it 47 times a week but in reality, with work and all the other responsibilities we have, that just isn’t realistic. If you make an effort to make time for it, it makes all the difference in the relationship. On another note: as far as what you do in the bedroom, be open minded. I’m not talking about threesomes and all that. Just be willing to try new things because – and if you don’t get anything else I write in this blog, please get this – if you don’t do it, someone else will….and chances are they will do it WELL.  Work out your inhibitions with your mate. What you do in the bedroom is just between the both of you. Communicate your needs with each other and work it out. Trust me, it will be worth it.

Now ladies, these are just suggestions, you can take them with a grain of salt if you like, but these are things that I found out just from paying attention. There are some men who are greedy and who simply want variety for variety’s sake and may have a host of issues that go way back to before you even met them and with them, there may not be anything you can do. They’re gonna stray just because that’s who they are. You might need to just dump them and keep it moving. The flip side of that is the good man. But understand that if you back that good man in the corner, he may just seek out the distraction. Communicate with him and allow him to communicate with you. It will make all the difference in your relationship.

Popcorn Love….

I’m single and have been for a while, yet I am always happy to hear about when the people I care about find love. A few years ago, I might not have been so happy while dealing with my own relationship ups and downs, but now I’ve moved into a place where I know that God just hasn’t sent me the right man yet, so for now, I’ll just be patient. Being in this patient space has allowed me to just sit back and watch people in their natural habitats, so to speak, and simply observe what they do, how they communicate with each other and so on. I do this mostly for my own benefit, so I can learn how to build better relationships as well as share what I’ve learned with others. One thing that never ceases to amaze me is this era of microwave relationships or “Popcorn Love” as I like to call it. This is when on Monday they meet someone and by Friday they’re married. Why do people do this?

Some say there should be specific time limits to falling in love, I don’t necessarily believe that. When you feel it, you feel it, it is what it is, but how can you truly know someone enough to move into that relationship space if you’ve only been together for 25 minutes? I mean seriously.

Good relationships take time. This can be said about any relationship you have, whether it is platonic, familial, or romantic. You have to build the proper foundation for it to prosper and flourish. The foundation has to be solid and strong so that it doesn’t crumble, crack or collapse after the first storm you weather together. And, in this humble writer’s opinion, I just don’t think that foundation can be built securely overnight. Let me give you a scenario:

Gina meets Jason. Their chemistry is electric. Their first date lasts 8 hours because after dinner they just couldn’t stop talking. Everything she said, he’d finish the sentence and vice versa. They text and email at work all day, talk on the phone on the way home, see each other every night for weeks. Just can’t get enough of each other. This goes on for about a month or so. Jason professes his undying love for her, she returns the feeling and based purely on emotions, she tells him he’s the one. He feels the same and says “I can’t see myself living another day without you as my wife, let’s get married!” Gina quickly says “Yes!”  Instead of planning a wedding they just drive to the Justice of the Peace, have a civil ceremony and it’s done. Then, as it inevitably does, reality sets in.

They move in together and soon start to see that in the real world, they can’t stand each other. Gina leaves her hair products all over the sink. Jason clips his toenails at the coffee table. Gina can’t cook. Jason leaves his clothes all over the house. Gina can never get to work on time so she can’t keep a job. Jason has a gambling addiction. Gina loves to shop. Jason spends all his extra money on video games and electronic gadgets. Gina nags Jason about every little thing. Jason doesn’t see the point of checking in with Gina about every little thing he does. Gina likes to party with her friends all night. Jason has a bad relationship with his mother and has trust issues with women. Gina was sexually abused in her teens and still hasn’t dealt with the aftermath of the trauma. She jumps from relationship to relationship to fill the void and has never really been single…..the list goes on and on. After about 4 months of living on the Redbull affect of love they thought they had, the marriage fizzles and they divorce citing irreconcilable differences.

I know this sounds like an over-dramatic reality show but unfortunately this came from bits and pieces of relationships of people that I have spoken to over the past few years. At some point, people stopped craving genuine solid relationships and decided to go the fastest route to love that they could possibly find. They treat their relationships like microwave popcorn as opposed to a home cooked meal. Now, don’t get me wrong, a bag of popcorn may stave off your hunger for a couple of hours, but inevitably you will get hungry again. You will crave the sustenance that a home cooked meal brings. As with all good things, that home cooked meal takes time.

You have to find the right ingredients, make sure they are fresh and free of defects. There is a certain amount of preparation involved. You may need to chop up some vegetables, apply a dry rub to the meat, let the bread dough rise, let that risotto simmer down, boil those noodles, whatever the case may be. It all depends on what type of meal you are cooking. You need to follow the recipe to a “T” so the outcome is delicious and nourishing. Have you ever tried to make fried chicken from scratch in the microwave? Yeah, just the thought of that kind of grossed me out, too. Good meals have a certain process that needs to be followed in order for them to taste well and to sustain us, maybe even have leftovers that last a few days as well. That same care and attention to detail needs to be taken when it comes to relationships.

Honest and sometimes difficult conversations need to take place. What kind of relationship does he have with his mother? What was her last relationship like? Does he have children? What are her spiritual views? What’s his work ethic like? How does she manage her finances? What’s his five year plan? I’m not saying bust these out from the first date but if the relationship is moving full steam ahead towards being seriously committed, these are the some of the things that need to be clearly aired out before you move forward. You also need to see what each others’ family is like - how they interact with them, how they interact with you. What is that dynamic like? How your mate’s family interacts with you does have a bit of bearing on the relationship.

Moving on to the home life: are you a neat freak and he’s messy or vice versa? Does you leave hair on the sink? How are you with paying your bills on time? Do you pay them in full or do you rob Peter to pay Paul just to get that new pair of shoes you have your eye on? These are simple questions that might seem funny to some people but are some of the things that need to be thought about BEFORE you decide to get married. The warm and fuzzy feelings of love can soon be dashed by the harsh reality of making a rash decision by marrying someone you never knew well enough in the first place.

There is something to be said for a real courtship. Whatever happened to that? Did it die like some people say chivalry has? Whatever happened to real dating? The anticipation of going out with someone. The good conversations. Getting to that point in the relationship where you meet the family members at a barbeque or dinner. Getting to know the woman’s family well enough so that you ask for the family’s blessing on the union when it’s time. That’s another level of building on that relationship. It takes a village to raise a child but it also take a village to help support that right relationship. I’m not saying that your family needs to be all up in the core of your relationship – the nuts and bolts of the relationship belong just between the two of you - but I am saying that it helps to feel the love for both of you. There is nothing worse than feeling like a black sheep-in-law in a family. T.D. Jakes made mention of this is one of his books I read. He said something like it’s like you are both from foreign countries and speak different languages, but with time, you learn what language is spoken as well as the right dialect. Just as you can’t learn to be fluent in a new language overnight, you can’t build a solid relationship overnight, either.  

The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:4  “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.”  I take that to mean that true love takes time. Finding love is not a contest, there is no deadline nor looming finish line to cross. You’re not in competition with anyone else to find a mate, although the world wants you to think you are. There is no need to rush a relationship. Sometimes we allow our own desires of being married or just being with someone to make us hurry up and find someone, but when we do, we inevitable end up with the wrong person. There is no flower to win, no Flava Flav clock necklace to wear, no bag of cash you’ll receive for rushing into love just for that “15 minutes of fame” you think you’ll feel once you get it.  Because when you rush, that’s about how long it will last, a good 15 minutes.  Love is not a prize to win but rather the most special gift we can receive. It should be cherished and nurtured. Well thought-out and planned gifts are always the most special ones. When it comes to something as important as marriage to that mate that you are destined to grow old with and be your companion for life, it pays to take your time.

Whether it takes a year or five years, know that the time you take to build that solid foundation will seem like nothing over the span of that 40 + years you plan to be married. The foundation is the most solid part of the house. You lay it down, then build the rest of your house over it. Make sure that God is the roof and in the end, you won’t need any major repairs. You’ll just spend the rest of your life mowing the lawn and pulling weeds from time to time. Who knows, you might slap on a new coat of paint every now and then just for variety. But if you do it right, you’ll be able to weather anything.

Again, I am not married and not in a relationship at this time as I finally gave up on trying to create a relationship out of the scraps that I was allowing others to give me, but I pay attention to what others have said to me in the past and decided I wasn’t going to do what they did. You can take all of what I said however you like. I can’t say I know what it’s like to be married, and that’s not what I wrote about above either. What I can say is what won’t work when establishing a faulty foundation because as of yet, starting out in a relationship from the wrong stand point hasn’t worked for me or anyone else I’ve met thus far. You can take it all with a grain of salt if you like and keep throwing your packet of popcorn in the microwave with hopes that it will sustain you for the long run or you can ask God for the right recipe, take out your cutting board, wash out those  pots and pans and take a good look down that spice rack to see what you plan on mixing in the pot. Take your time, there is no need to rush.