Writing things out has always helped me. It is truly cathartic how writing the words out can soothe the soul. I’m writing this to a particular individual who may never read this, however, sometimes closure is found within. No one else but you and God need to know about it. This piece might have a few foul words in it and I’m not one who naturally curses but sometimes passionate conversations can carry verbal thorns. It just is what it is. You have been warned:
Make the rough edges smooth…..
This is only my side of the story and I’m sure you have yours. You may disagree with what I have to say and that’s ok. I’ve tried to be as fair as I can but there is so much I don’t know and can’t speak on because you never made how you felt completely clear to me.
I loved you so much at one time that it hurt. I know now what I felt was a connection to a man that I had created in my own mind. A man who really didn’t exist. Sure, you physically exist, but the man I had created in my mind was a caricature of who I wished you would be to me. When I first met you, I was drawn to what I thought was God telling me, that you were the one. It was a small, still voice when I heard it and at the time I didn’t even know who you were. Instead of just allowing things to progress into what they could have been, I got in my own way. In the beginning, you were sweet to me, quite the gentleman. You were the man that others get to see now, the man others experience now, the man that I always wished I could have had. That was the piece of you that was like a drug to me , like chasing the high that you get once and could never get again.
You were on a relationship rollercoaster, I found out later. The perception I got was that you wanted to play the field but still wanted to have your cake and eat to. And the fact that I was a bit older than you was also something you liked. Not sure why, but men like what they like. Now mind you, if I had just let it all go then, I never would have gotten emotionally invested in you but as the emotional creatures that women can be and as thirsty as I was for love at the time, I pursued you. You knew this and you enjoyed it. 1 girlfriend, 2 girlfriends, 3 girlfriends you went through yet somehow you always came back to me. I can honestly say the only reason why you kept coming back was just because you enjoyed the sex. I acknowledge that. You even admitted this one time, when you came to my house during the regular booty call hours and told me while you were drunk off your ass. Funny thing was I tried to ask you how you really felt about me and you dodged the question which is quite a feat because either you weren’t all that drunk or men can keep the walls up even when they are fully inebriated. I’m inclined to think it is the latter. I recall many a night that you came over while driving drunk. I’d pray the whole way until you made it hoping that you wouldn’t die in a horrible crash on the way to the house. It begs the question: did you need to get drunk to see me or did drinking make you want to see me? The only person who knows the answer to that is you. I remember one night you were so drunk you threw up all over my bathroom floor. I helped you get back in the bed and patiently cleaned up the mess. Then I rubbed your back until you fell asleep again. That’s how much I loved you. I still don’t regret it, you do things that don’t always make sense for people you love.
Recently you told me you loved me and I got all excited because I thought maybe we would finally be together one day. Reality is you love me in the way that you just hope I don’t fall off a cliff or get hit by a bus tomorrow and die so that you could still come through and get some of whatever it is that feeds your spirit when you see me. I’m real with myself about it now. You spent years fronting me off to your friends, at least the friends we both knew. You didn’t want anyone to know that we were messing with each other or even in contact with each other because somebody would have something to say to you about it. (My flaw was sharing how I felt about you with some who felt the need to say something to you about it. I felt bad about that in hindsight. Some things are best to keep to yourself even when the relationship isn’t really a relationship) It’s funny because most of the people you knew didn’t have a clue about who I was or what I was really about but you said using some of what you had heard from them – I am paraphrasing now - you made a decision that I wasn’t the woman for you. One would think a grown ass man wouldn’t allow others to cloud his vision of someone he said he cared about but, hey, every man is different. Hell, I don’t even know if it was true, but you said it, can’t contest it. You say you told me this – that it was all about the sex, nothing more or less – but I guess my obsession, no, my addiction, to you blinded me to that. Deeper and deeper in love I fell with a man who didn’t exist.
I loved you so much. You told me we’d always be friends and that we’d always talk things out. If things got too complicated (i.e., sleeping together with no strings attached) we would just sever the physical ties and move forward. This happened a few times in the years I’ve known you and somehow we would disconnect and end up back in the same place again. Through all the women you were with, somehow you always ended up back with me. Not in a relationship, just in the most basic primal physical parts of your being. And I still loved you. I’d always take you back, no matter what you had said previously. You could have been the world’s biggest asshole to me – you were a few times – but after some time apart, I would wipe the slate clean as if nothing had happened and take you back. You were used to this, you still are. This is the rollercoaster ride we’ve been on for almost 8 years now……but now I’ve gotten off the ride. This time you stabbed me as deeply as you could in my heart and left the knife in. And you know what?
I am actually glad you did.
You say with your mouth that you want to be friends but your actions tell me you only want me to be your booty call. People who care about others make time for the people they care about, even if it’s only a little bit of time. They meet for drinks every now and then, they might have dinner, whatever. They don’t claim they don’t have time, then the time they do have is somewhere between the hours of 11pm and 2am. They treat them with respect…consistently. You seem to forget that I know a few of the same people you know and it’s interesting that you don’t treat any of them nearly as badly as you treated me. But hey, I don’t know how you treat everyone so this is just speculation on my part. But none of that matters. I’m moving on.
In all actuality, you may never read this but that’s cool. I’m writing this for me. I’m writing this as the bandaid that I have to tear off the gaping wound in order for it to actually heal. This toxic relationship we had only served to suit your sexual needs. You would come over, get what you needed and cut. I would then try to beg you for months to come spend time with me again, to just squeeze me into your schedule, if you could just get a little time to see me. Your response would be “Maybe” or “I’ll try.” Many times you didn’t respond at all. Well I don’t need or want the scraps of this relationship anymore. I can’t keep pretending that you will turn into this man I have created in my head, this man who will never exist. No one should have to beg anyone for their time, love or attention. I’m not ashamed to say I did for a long time.You live, you learn, you change then you grow.
I thought hard about it and realized I’ve rehashed the same scraps of a relationship with different people in the past. It’s been a long cycle and I’m tired of it. Letting you go is the only way I can make room for God to bless me with the right man. The man that I will look at one day and see that he is the reason why things never worked out with anyone else. The one that God designed just for me. Part of me feels a loss for the friendship we had. There were some sparks of sunshine, we had a good chemistry, no doubt, but I’m not sure if you can look past the mess and be a real friend to me. You are still in some ways figuring out who you are and what you want to do with your life and maybe being in contact with me is hindering the growth that needs to occur in you. Maybe in the future we can talk but now….I have no desire to speak to you.
I wish you well, I truly do. I hope one day that you meet someone who becomes the love of your life, the woman of your dreams. I hope you fall in love and live a long, happy and prosperous life. I hope you acheive all the things you want and become the man God meant for you to be. I hope you have children and I hope you raise them in the right way. I wish you nothing but happiness because I would never in a million years wish that anyone feel the way I did when I was in love with you. I wouldn’t wish that pain or heartache on anyone. Sure, I put a lot of that pain on myself but there was a certain amount of responsibility that you chose not take. Somehow I lost your respect and never gained it back. It happens, we move on.
If you feel bad for what you did, don’t. If you don’t, that’s fine too. As long as you make things right with God, be that man that He wants you to be, that’s all that matters.
I wish you well.
